It’s On Tap

Drinking alone makes people nervous because it is one of the so-called “warning signs” of alcoholism. However, drinking by yourself can be a rewarding and pleasurable experience once you get over the stigma. Sure, you’ll probably feel guilty and embarrassed if someone catches you, but what truly great alcohol experience doesn’t end with a little shame. Here are few tips on how to drink by yourself without any embarrassment.

1. Always have a reason.

Never crack open a beer or pour a cocktail without a fair to excellent excuse. “Rough day at work,” and “women troubles” are always good. You might also want to try “The Lakers are on,” or, “I got some new Netflix.” It is advisable to have a drink worthy television show for every “non-traditional” drinking night of the week. I recommend 24 for Mondays, Scrubs or Nip/Tuck for Tuesday, Lost on Wednesday, The Office and 30 Rock on Thursdays and The Simpsons for Sunday.

2. Don’t let other people get you down.

If someone walks into the room and sees you drinking, and they ask some intrusive question like, “Are you drinking on a Tuesday at four in the afternoon?” Immediately turn it around. Offer them a drink. If they say something ridiculous along the line of “Are you crazy? It’s four in the afternoon on a Tuesday,” insult them back. Make them feel bad for not drinking with you. Peer pressure is a gift from God—use it.

3. Never, under any circumstances, run out of alcohol.

Running out of booze poses two problems. First, you will be too drunk to drive to get more, and second, you will be forced to notify someone that you had been drinking and now you need a ride to get more. This is a shame spiral that grows at an exponential rate. First, you’re embarrassed that you had to notify your friend or family member; then you will be ashamed the whole car ride because your friend or family member is mad at you, and finally, when you wake up the next morning, the shame will crush you like a rock. This problem also rears its ugly head if you get the drunk munchies, from this point forward known as the “drunchies.”

4. Drink liquor, for two reasons.

First, it’s classy. When you drink liquor either straight or on the rocks in the appropriate glass you look like a movie star or some struggling artist with writer’s block. However, this does not apply if you are drinking straight from the bottle or out of your baby cousin’s sippy cup. Buy a tumbler and learn how to make at least one cocktail. The second reason you should chose liquor over beer to drink by yourself is that it’s easier to hide. With beer there is the problem of all the empties. With liquor the only clue is the less empty bottle, and who can really claim you drank all that in one night.

5. Stay away from your phone and computer.

The only thing worse then the drunk dial or drunk facebook poke is the drunk dial or drunk facebook poke on a Wednesday. This gets back to our exponentially growing shame spiral. One, the person you contact will know that you had been drinking on a weekday (they always do whether they act like it or not); two you will be embarrassed because you contacted them when you were drunk on a Wednesday, and three—you were drunk on a Wed. That’s some shameful shit. In all seriousness, whether you’re buy yourself or with friends, stay away from communication devices while drinking.

So there you go. Some tips on how to drink by yourself sans embarrassment.

Coming Soon: How to drink at work, church or at your kid’s little league game while still maintaining your dignity.